falling in sadness sea

in hot day of may igot the call.now im going in worktrip ididnt mind actually coz ilove this city its full of amazing beachs on the medetrinian sea ithought in it as chance ican catch few hours on the beachs there and hangout in the nights.iwas needingmuch realy ihave been few years ididnt go there.now im in the train going there when iarrived ican smell the fresh air.ifeel pain in my throught and ihave been 36 hours without sleep so iwanted to sleep so badly but the flat iwell stay in it not ready yet so istayed in coffeshop to drink hot thing but idrink 3not only 1 hhhaaaa oh god its 11pm now im in the flat iwanted to sleep but first itake shower and do my pryers ohhh iforget im hungry ididnt eat since morning im so careless in the eating mattre .now im going to bed sweet bed is calling me samehhhhhh.iwake feeling active in my self i open the window and looked to the street isee people all familys is going to beach they stay all day there on beach and in streets in night that realy nice.im in the meeting now its just talk for hours but its ok theres many days coming.3days now im in meeting all day and just in night igo to hangout now my chance im going to beach itake the towel and some sandwichs and my cegarets plus the news papers.idont need anything else.igo there itake my seat direct infront of the sea ilike this.so isit relaxing resesting to jump in the water from the first minute.iwas enjoing reading paper while looking at sea and the kids play after hour or so isay igo take walk to those rocks the view from there look nice iwalk in the water edge and cold nice water in my feets while im reaching the rocks iheard someone call my name samehhhh iturn to look whos calling me in same time awave come and hit my back ifall in sand people laugh and ilaugh too.istay awhile on the rocks waves hit me nicly and looking deep inside the sea it give u feeling how much im small see what god creation its just sea what about oceans or out space or or or.anyway igo back to my seat to eat so sandwich the icant resest no more imust swimm now slow i enter the water im not good swimmer but idont care the feeling when the water touch ur skin is unbelivable cant resest it it cleans all of u always igot this feeling that iwant sleep inside the water ofcourse icant or iwake find my self in grece or france hhhhaaaa anyway ineed it to wash my heart ineed it for the salty water help me to cauterize my wounded heart istay hour or so and feelt tierd so igo out and si on beach for awhile then to home.days passing in meetings but lets pass this all now im going to beach again.iwasent feeling happy like before why idont know but im going anyway idont want lose this chance idont know when ican get it again im there taking my seat in my favorite place and ihave my usaly things but idecided to swimm more longer time today so after 15 minutes ijump in water swimm and relax in water and play with kids there hhhaaa itry to act like im great swimmer or that ican pass the whole ocean in one day hhhhaaaaaaaaaa iwas enjoing swimming and looking to kids and people arouand me when isaw here she looks like the girl iwas in love with her she didnt look that much but have little semalirity with her but that make me recall everything since imeet her and fall in her love like crazy till the moment she breakes my heart and left me without reason of me for another one or whatever irememberd how much iwas loving her how much iwas crazy in her she was my first love ever even my age inever love before just when iknowt her ifall in her so deep till icouldnt see anything else only her in my life all my life going arouand herwhile im awake and sleep while eating showering even in work or in friends weddings party all time she was the only isee any girl iwas imagin her in it iused to tell her icant live without her .igive her my soul my heart my body itold her the breath im breathing is for her but in end my rewared was bye idont love u after all the time and after everything she tell me before that she love me and want me only and imust be with her after all the marrieg planes wedding kids all all my planes was useless in end she broke my heart that easy she put my heart under her feets and step on it with no mercy did she know ifall suck after that did she know iwas hosptaliezed coz of her ilost my appettite iwas neer to death she dont know all that and even if she know she dont care coz shes in another one arms now .ipity my self for all this coz the tender sweet heart ithought in her it appears his crulity his savages her heart mercyless.iwakeu from my memories on little naughty kid sprinkling water on me ismille at him while my heart bleeds igo out of water sit on beach looking to sea or maybe the sea inside me endless but dark more than the real sea its time to go home iknow now why ididnt feel happy early today.daying passing and ialmost finished my meetings and work friends say its last day come go to beach ididnt want to go iwas feeling sad the trip that iwas think iwell enjoy and feel comfrt bring more sadness to me it shows me how much im alone.but they insest and force me to go itake deep breath and say to my self im more stronger than that iwell go whatever happin iarrived there wasent many people there but the wether was realy nice after isit awhile igo swimm iwas feeling no desire but iresest after 10 minutes in water ifeelt little comfrt and start to enjoy when ihear someone call my name sameh.sameh .sameh iturn every place ididnt find anyone ishake my head and say maybe im wrong or water inside my ears make me think someone call but the voice come back and say u dont know who im isay no in loaud voice people look at me ifeelt imparressed and idive my head in water under one wave when irise it again iheard it again now iknow where he come its coming from my mind .oh god im hallucinating irun out of the water and sit on my chair ifind all my body is tremoring iputt the towel and smoke a cegaret to calm down and tryed to make my mind busy itoke the news paper and start reading but icouldnt concentrate ilooked arouand me to look to kids or anything to take my mind away.can iborrow the paper please iheard my naughbor say that.isay sure and give it to him ilook at him he was looks same my age or neer of it and his wife was with him they look new married couple.ilooked back to the sea and the kids when ihear that stop reading ilooked from the side of my eye to the young ccouple isaw the girl take away the paper from her husband and give it to me and she was saying to him no nothing well take u from me even amoment she was putting her head on his chest while he was surronded her by his arms ismille icant deny i invey him but itake my eyes away of them so iwont embarrass them.in this moment iheard the voice again says its me im ur conscience u cant hide anything of me all ur life with me all ur memories all ur feeling all of u with me.all and everything in ur life ur mesrable life u try to pretend u was happy no u not u never fall in love till u meet this girl u lost allot of many do u remember ur failling project u do udidnt waste only ur money no u waste ur brother money too yes he didnt talk or care but u blame urself every day u do ur best there to make it work maybe but ithink theres more u was could do but u surrender that easy yes u want it to succes and u do allot but u faild u stay year and half even ur mom didnt see u for once coz afaild project u lost ur wight u become nervous even when ur mom first see u ur skin lokked darker u make her cry.what about collage u enter acollage u hate and u make problims there.what about ur family hirtage u cant take.do u still remember ur dad he die 16 years ago he was great man so kind cant harm afly do u still remember that.and now ur work u in field u dont like and u making loses in it.u want get ur own company r u ready for it can u mange it r u ready u dont even have enough money yet.u faild to have any of ur dreams all of it u didnt get any.and what about religion u wanted to be religious and u was good but u didnt reach what u want and u not bad too so u not bad and not religious u exctally like who dance on the meddle of the stairs no one see him nor the high floor people or the down floor people.theres allot in ur life do u still want me still recall everything to u or thats enough. one day u say something maybe its correct that u lives alone and u well die alone.hey sir are u ok iwakeup from the momries on my naughbors say that ifeeltwater on my face down to my lips ithought its sea water but when itaste it was so salty and bitter coz it was my tears ifind the young couple beside me gather my things from the sand all my things fall down on sand without ifeel they say sir are u ok we talk to u but u never replay u look paralyesed in ur chair and all ur things fall on sand ur cegaret and papers samdich all all.r u ok sir.iwanted to replay but ididnt know what to say iwasent controlling my self all idid after isaw the tears on the girl eyes and the pity look at me iwalk awy without irespoinse iknow all people look at me now all think what im or what happin but only god can know while im walking awy iknowt now when was the first day icame in the beach and the wave hit my back so ifall irelised that im falling in sadness sea