shock then unconsciousness(2)

iwakeup now istille feel not well why idont know
iheard voice saying thank god he finaly wakeup
ihardly open my eyes to see who's talking but
my view wasent clear so ididnt recognize the voice
and the room im in ithought im in my room but
no its not ifeel its diffrant ifeel uncomfrtable
something wrong few minutes things start to clear
im in diffrant room and iknow now where im
im in hospitel ican smell the medcin smell arouand me
and isee anurse and doctor oh its my doctor friend
iwant ask him what happin why im here but idont have
will to talk ijust dont want talk so imove my hand only
he say thank god what u feel now i move my head
saying im not good he ask why idont talk so isay
idont want talk to anyone and please no one ask me anything
he say u came yestrday and u was unconscious for 21 hours
and ur blood pressure was unbelivable u lucky that ur strong body stand it
whats happin to u makes u like that?ijust stare with no response
then he open the door to my family to come when they come
with tears in there eyes ifall again unconscious...........
how many days idont know im not in comma no but idont know
iknow and feel what happining arouand me and ieven
hear what they say iknow now isleep most of the day
and iwake only for minutes iknow that doctors forrbid
any to visit me and im in serious condition now but ifeel
im not well yes but not seriously ifeel its not that bad
ifind that many times im awake but i make myself sleep
or pretend im sleep yes iwas doing that
days pass and doctor say no improvment in my case
now icant eat ilost all my appetite to eat some times
iwant eat but icant icant beer it idont want eat just drink water
and smoke cegaret without anyone see me in the night istill have
few cegarets in my pocket ifeel strange all ifeel now that idont care
idont care of anything at all life or death me my family ijust dont care
iwounder why everybody so worry im not in dengrous why they say that
ifeel weake yes but not denger they say ilost my will in life
yes but that not dengrous yes im not willing to live anymore
but how this can effect my helth ijust dont care of this life anymore
how long im there idont know ifeel long enough but iwant know
but when iwant ask icant ifind my tounge wont move wont ask
itake allot of medcin for what idont know iheard allot of
expressions arouand me means serious things and saying things
idont know ok ifeel now by something ifeel im getting more weaker
more than ithink icant even think good why that whats happining to me
now all isee in my eyes is my grave prepare to me but do im ready
idont know and idont think so yes ifeel that now death approache me
ok iwanted allot before maybe its time for it hope people remember me
after idie and say good things about me idont care if they cry
just want them remember me coz ithink iwas good to everyone
isleep now maybe ican rest who knows maybe icant wake at all
when iwake ifind allot arouand me and ifeelt m body aching and feel
strange ijust stare at them why theres allot here idiscover that im sleep or in
unconscious for many days just wake for moment then icontinue
i discover more now the doctors say they give my family 10 days is danger if
i pass this days ibe ok if ididnt pass it very dengrous things well happin and could
cause death and all was the reason that my body resest the medcation
and ilost my will in living so that no improvment and all going to worse
but now im awake that means im ok and italk with my family too means
im more ok and doctor say finaly my body stop resesting and accept the medcin
maybe its not my time yet who knows but inside me istill dont have the will
for living iknow that and ifeel it so clear ihate this life ifeel idont
belonge to it my place not her where idont know just ifeel that
days pass in routine very boring routine ihate that really ido but im helpless
if ihave little strength iwant to run to escape from all that
medcin in time eating in time all in time time ifeel like im big pharmacy now
from the huge medcin itake .im ok now all say my strong body helps allot
so im ok iwant go out but doctors have another opinion istill have depression
imust heal from it so they decided imust go to another hospitel for depression
maybe im gone be crazy or im already crazy and they sent me to menaly hospitel
im going now there in the car isee the street was long time ididnt see
ifeelt sad really im the active person who go from here to there and traville allot
and most of time in outgoing ibe like that?anyway im in the way now
it called green vally hospitel for deprssion and another things well ifeelt better
coz it dosent look like hospitel it look like hotel smal resort or something
like that and when im there ican use internet and anything iwant even ican go out to buy cigarettes well iknow they cant heal me iknow that very well but idont want argue coz ialready talk very little idont want talk to anyone so all iwell do iwell respond to them
so make them think im ok so days well pass and igo away
so all ido is making the programs the give to me and watch tv then iuse internet
and now day after tomorrow ican go home and my plan worked
they think im 90%heald from the depression isucces in make them
think they help me but they not what ifeel still same
yes im same now like before igot sick nothing happin to me
im same ifeel same like before and no one can change that
no one can help me coz ifaild to help myself
my feeling my love my sorrow my sadness
well stay for ever with the deprssion till idie
coz itake my descion to be like that and stay
like that till idie coz icant live without her